2010

Lord,
I really need your direction right now. Colton has entered into my life and I am unsure of what to do. All I know is that I don't want to do anything outside of your will. I am unsure of if I am getting ahead of myself. I am getting older and I don't want my emotions to guide me into something that I should not be involved with. I have dealt with so many guy issues this year.
Thank you Lord for teaching me though. Jake was a lesson in peer pressure and determining the difference between lust and love. Jake didn't love me. And just like Pastor Janet preached and what your Word said, I ended up hating Jake.
Matt is a lesson in not becoming consumed with one person, and that good is not God, but God is good.

This year has been interesting to say the least. Lord, all I know is that next year will be a big year for me. And like always, I need you every step of the way. I love you so much and I just thank you and give you praise for all you have done for me. I am not perfect nor will I ever be, but Your love for me is marvelous and beautiful. My mind cannot begin to fathom the awesomeness and greatness of all You are. You are a Mighty God; You are an Everlasting Father; You are Holy and Kind and Everything that I will ever Need. You are my Ultimate Blessing. To serve You everyday is my only desire. I love you so much, just because You are God. Thank you Father for being with me. Thank you Father for the mercy you have shown me.

Lord, I cannot see you the future. I barely can keep up with the present, but I know it is all in Your Capable Hands. So in 2010 let Your will be done for me, with me, through me, and in me. No matter what the outcome will be I will give you thanks.

I Love You Lord and in Jesus Name,
Amen

FAIL

It has been a bad day today. I am continuously making really stupid decisions. I feel worthless. I fell like there is absolutely no point to my existence right now. I feel like if I ended it all right now, I would be doing the world a huge favor. I got 2 B+ this semester and I feel so stupid because of it. I worked really hard on my papers. I wrote and went to class and did everything I could to succeed and I still failed. I failed. I am a failure. And what hurts the most is that I am failing at other things too.

I have no friends. FAIL
I feel disconnected from you. FAIL
I am going broke. FAIL
I am not losing weight. FAIL
I keep cussing. FAIL
I cannot produce a decent webseries. FAIL

Everything is a fail. It is hard to carry on. I need to know you still love me. Please still love me; I love you. Even if you didn't love me I love you. I need you and I want you. Please be here. Please.

Amen

Love and Such

God,
What am I supposed to do. Even in complete isolation, I cannot hear you. I am so lost and I need you to find me. I feel so unloved sometimes. Everywhere I go I am angry. I am lashing out at friends. I am questioning friends. I am honestly questing every relationship I have. Of the few I do have. The people I trust and the people who love me have dwindles down to nothing. I don't know what friend are my friends. I don't know how to talk to people and I feel so detached and separated from everyone. I hold my opinions and emotions to myself. I remember at the beginning of this year asking you to show me your love and I feel like I have failed. I failed myself and I failed you. Rather than thoroughly seeking and questing for you; I settled for Jake. Jake who I allowed to lead me into perversion and sexual immorality. Matt, Matt who didn't care about me not even as friend. These two people have consumed the latter half of 2009.

Lord, I am so sorry. You are the love I am searching for, but I have been so stubborn and so hard headed and so foolish. I have been so scared to surrender my heart to you. I'm scared that I will get hurt. When I am only hurting myself. Lord forgive me. Cleanse me and continue to teach me. Continue growing me spiritually.

Help me in all aspects of my life. In this diet show me what to eat and what exercises to do.
In my day to day life prompt me on what to say and stop me from saying hurtful things to people. In school teach me with your complete understanding of the material. Continue to mature me and make me into what you want for me to be.

Lord I love you. I need you. I want you.

In all things I give you thanks. In Jesus Name,
Amen

Helpless Desperate Hopeless Without You

God,
You have blessed me with a voice. I know it was created to sing of Your Glory, but I feel like it is fading. If that were not bad enough I sometimes don't even know if I am worshiping you. Every Sunday morning I will walk onto the risers, and I closes my eyes so I can take away all the faces and so I can focus on You, but I cannot feel You. I know You are there, for you are everywhere, but I please make it known to me. I need to know who you are. I want to know You. I don't mean to come off as impatient I am just desperate. I don't want to go down the first road I chose for desperation. God please make it evident what You want for me. If it is not of Your will for me please take it away. I love you so much.

Please restore me. Not only restore me, but continue to grow me. I have so much to learn and so little time. Help me. Be my Everything. The friend that I want to have; the companion that is not evident; a teacher who dispenses information freely; guide who shows me the way to go. I need you now. I need you now.

Love

God,
Please send me someone who is understanding. Someone who will listen to my life story and not be ashamed of me. Someone who understands what it is like to be an outcast. Someone who is on my side. Someone who corrects me out of love. Someone who loves me just because I am me.

Cause nowadays I have no one. Any "friendship" that I have now feels like it is forced. I just want love.

I know you love me God and that is the greatest love of all. Please help me to know your love. Especially in a time when I feel like no one loves me at all.

Be Considerate and Consider Me

Lord,
I am not sure what you are trying to teach me. I have learned so much already. I am not saying that I am all knowing. I feel like in the process of teaching me something I have learned a lot. Gladly, I know that there is still much to learn. It just feels like I am in a tunnel and no matter the distance or the speed at which I walk I am constantly getting nowhere. I know that if I continue walking then at the end of the tunnel you will appear, but I am becoming so discouraged. Everywhere I go I feel alone. Even in YOUR HOUSE I feel distant from everything. Honestly, I am friendless. The "friends" I have are so strongly absorbed in themselves or in their boyfriends or just other friends that none of them have the time nor the energy to even consider me. To know this distance is painful. Colbie and Sarah are so involved in the life of Noah and Nathan that they seem to neglect everything else...including me. Sunday mornings are so hard, because I have nothing in common with them. Honestly, Those Women is something I do for you. You know that I have considered leaving plenty of times, but I know you have called me to that so I won't leave. I just need to focus on you. I have been serving you for a while. I feel like I have been doing okay thus far. I am constantly thriving to be more like you, but every good Christian looks to you as the goal. It just feels like everyone looks past me. They shun me. I don't know why they do, but they do. I am putting in so much effort to perhaps help where I am needed. I am constantly asking if they need me for anything, but they don't. But it feels like they don't even want me. Then there are the Kaylas and Bryses and Brittanys who are genuinely good people, but aren't at the spiritual level to understand what I am going through and then give me Godly and sound advice on how to handle the situations. They are immature. I am not fully matured, but I am not a baby drinking milk. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone; someone who will listen and hear me. Someone who will listen to the entire story of who I am. Now I could just talk to anyone, but You have given me the good sense of discretion. Also I don't trust people. At all. It is not even a matter or I don't easily trust people. Honestly, if you are outside of my family I have no trust in you. I just feel like a black sheep. I really love you Lord, and I don't mean to complain. I needed to talk to you, and get all this off my heart.